Many autistic children have extreme difficulty communicating their needs. They may not even know what they need. They just know they are uncomfortable and do whatever they have to in order to get relief. Without access to language they must resort to non-verbal forms of communication to make themselves heard. These attempts often manifest as confusing behaviors which can then escalate to extreme emotion or behavioral displays.

Part of your task as a parent or provider is to understand that ALL BEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATION and learn to become a BEHAVIOR DETECTIVE so you can develop the ability to calmly observe a behavior early on, before it gets out of control, and ask yourself “What is my child trying to tell me?” It takes practice to begin decoding behaviors and determining their meaning since often times, these behaviors are seemingly disconnected from the corresponding need.

Once you begin to identify your child’s unique behavioral “language” it will become easier to translate and your child will begin to feel validated and heard by you. Your child will feel calmer and more confident in his or her ability to communicate effectively. This process can then become a bridge to teaching your child to use language to ask for what he or she needs.

We offer autism education and parent coaching for parents and professionals who are interested in learning more about how to decode the behavioral language of children and adults with autism. Click these links to learn more about our autism services and how horses teach us to understand autism.

reaching inward

What do you do when you are hurting? This is a question that you may not have the time or energy to think about. Or perhaps the emotional pain in your life is all consuming; so much that you can barely think of anything else. When you feel emotional pain or intense emotions, the most natural thing you can do is look for relief. It is what you do in this moment; the moment when you realize that you can take action and seek relief, that often determines your level of mental, emotional and relational health.

So what are your options? What tools do you have available to you when you are seeking relief? You could “do what you know” or rely on learned patterns or behaviors that have been modeled for you in the past. If that modeling was healthy you are likely to have healthy options available to you. If that modeling was less than healthy, it is more likely that you have limited options in your tool kit to manage your feelings in a way that will support your growth.

In that important moment where you decide what action to take to seek relief it is easy to look outside of yourself. We live in a culture where we prioritize academic skills and performance; where we are taught to look to teachers and text books for answers rather than within ourselves. We are not taught the basic skills we need to manage ourselves and our relationships, and then when struggle or fail at keeping it all together, we are punished as if we should have known better. The shame and embarrassment often keeps us from asking for help until challenges have escalated to the point where they are unmanageable. This is the point where most people seek more drastic forms of relief. Some turn to dysfunctional patterns such as substance use, destructive behavior, or succumb to anxiety or depression. Others turn to counseling or therapy where there is someone who can listen, help them develop more awareness and add more tools to their tool kit.

What if we had an opportunity to learn and practice these skills ahead of time? What if this culture needs a paradigm shift? What if we need to acknowledge that the vast majority of us were raised in this environment where we were not taught the skills we needed to manage our own mental, emotional and relational health. We are all in the same boat and there is no reason to feel shame and embarrassment in response to a perceived failure. We were not set up for success!

I envision a model that faces this reality and works toward a shift in understanding. I want to see a world were we can work together in an authentic and transparent way in a process of educating ourselves about how to responsibly and independently meet the emotional ups and downs of life with a complete tool kit. This new way of understanding mental health includes a framework of exploration and play in an environment where everyone can experience a new way of being with themselves and in their relationships. People experience themselves anew and leave with the confidence to apply what they are learning in their lives. There is a time and a place to ask for help and we can lean on each other for support, and at the same time, we can also learn to become empowered and self reliant as we move through our day to day challenges with the skills we need for a smooth and balanced life and fulfilling relationships.

So, what do you do when you are hurting? My message to you is that you have choices. In the moment when you feel the most powerless you have a choice. In the moment when you can’t imagine knowing what to do, you have an opportunity to learn how to access the answers within you. In the moment when you are the most afraid, you can learn how to tap into your courage and trust yourself to know what you need. In the moment when it seems like you have no other options, you can learn to fill your tool kit with unlimited possibilities for your ultimate well being. This is an invitation to take the first step.

InterPlay Academy is my answer to these questions. We are a private Equine Facilitated Experiential Education facility located eight miles north of Bellingham, WA. It is a place where we can all come together, celebrate our “mistakes” and learn emotional and relational skills from the masters. Horses are indeed masters of relationship and emotional intelligence and they invite you to be fully who you are. We offer programs with and without horses that meet a wide variety of needs. Come play with us and learn the skills for your success!

a moment of connection

Our natural state is one of connection. When we are disconnected, it simply means that we have failed to realize the truth, because we have allowed the distractions of this world move in and become our reality. True connection is simply a moment of realization, or remembering our natural state. Connection is not touch, it’s not conversation, though these things can be a way of expressing it. True connection is a state of being; it has no past, no future, no expectations or agenda, it has no meaning or story, and nothing is accomplished. It is simply an acknowledgment of the truth in the present moment between two souls. You will know it when you forget everything and want nothing, and you enter the flow of being with another. The barriers between you dissolve and you become one. At first these moments are fleeting, and you will learn to maintain them over time.

My work with horses and people is about connection. It is about remembering who we are and how we can be with one another that transcends our perceived differences. This is the state of mind that horses live in, which makes them our best teachers. Being in a state of pure connection with a horse can transform lives, and inspire bigger and braver dreams. In such a moment, anything is possible.

Horsemanship and Equine Facilitated Therapy look very similar in practice. Both involve building trust, understanding, and connection in relationship between the person and the horse.

When I teach horsemanship, I bring the focus to the relationship between the student and the horse, help them build trust, clarify communication, and develop a language that helps them understand each other. The focus remains on this relationship and what the two can accomplish together.

In an Equine Facilitated Therapy session, initially the focus starts in the same way. I facilitate a process of trust building, and developing mutual understanding and communication. During this process, relationship dynamics will surface between the client and the horse that will often remind the client of the dynamics in their human relationships. I act as a witness and translator; helping that client notice these common patterns. The interactions with the horses give the client an opportunity to practice making changes in the way they interact so they can be more successful in their relationship with the horse. These same skills are then transferred to their human relationships.

In essence, horsemanship focuses on building a relationship between the student and the horse. Equine Facilitated Therapy encourages clients to build a relationship with a horse and then apply what they learn from the horse to their human relationships.

Reflection

What is Natural Horsemanship? It is simply a different way of understanding horses. Many traditional horse back riding programs emphasize a method of communication that requires the horse to step into our human perspective, expecting them to learn our language, our ways of learning, and meet our needs. Natural Horsemanship is the opposite in that it approaches horses in a way that is respectful of how they are different from humans. We approach the horse with curiosity, taking into account their specific view of the world, their unique way of communicating with each other, their personality, learning style, and psychology.  With curiosity, we step into their world, play by their rules, and develop the qualities within us that horses are naturally drawn to. While many forms of traditional horsemanship are based on models of dominance and submission, natural horsemanship is based on partnership, connection, mutual understanding and clear communication. These are the ingredients for a trusting relationship with your horse and a foundation for ultimate success.

InterPlay offers Natural Horsemanship lessons and horse training near Bellingham WA and all over Whatcom County to horse owners and enthusiasts who desire a way of understanding and developing close connections with horses.

How Horses Help Us Understand Autism

While no list of criteria describes every individual, these are my observations of the similarities between horses and those with autism, as well as some ways to respond that encourage connection.

Both are extremely sensitive – Their sensory awareness is heightened. Any kind of stimulus; sights, sounds, smell, tastes, and tactile sensations can be extremely confusing and even painful.

• In response: I challenge myself to be aware of sensory stimulus in the environment. I pay attention to how the sights, sounds, smells, and tactile sensations are impacting the autistic person in each moment, and how these experiences are influencing their behavior.

Both seek clarity – They are literal thinkers, and have difficulty understanding ambiguous communication.

• In response: I challenge myself to be clear. I catch myself making assumptions about what clients understand, and I make it MY responsibility to develop creative ways of making myself understood.

Both are emotionally intuitive – They feel what others are feeling, however, they experience feelings in the present moment, without clinging to feelings from the past or anticipating feelings in the future. They have difficulty understanding the complex meaning that we neuro-typicals make out of our emotions.

• In response: I challenge myself to stay present and become aware of my tendency to drift into thoughts and feelings from the past or the future. Staying in the present moment minimizes the confusion created when an autistic person senses emotions in me that are not about the present moment. I ask myself how the person’s behavior could be a response to my emotional state.

Both are sensitive to authenticity or “congruence” – We are congruent when our inner experience matches our outward expression. Both horses and those with autism are extremely congruent, and are sensitive to “incongruence” in others.

• In response: I challenge myself to be known. I engage in an investigation of my own hidden emotions, intentions, and agendas, and try to make my internal experience as transparent as possible.

Both rely less on spoken language - Instead they are more likely to use non-verbal and behavioral forms of communication to express themselves.

• In response: I challenge myself to be a behavior detective. ALL BEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATION and when I can’t rely on language, I must find other ways to communicate. There is always a reason for every behavior, and I make it my mission to find out what that is.

Both learn more easily by seeing and doing – Through visual and kinesthetic experience.

• In response: I challenge myself to talk less and connect through an experience.  I catch myself assuming I’m dealing with an auditory learner, and find ways to connect through activities, play, and an exploration of the environment. I get curious about unconventional methods of connection.

Trust

Climbing on a horse’s back is a very intimate experience for both horse and student. Riding a horse without getting to know them first is a little like giving someone your house keys when you first meet them.  Any relationship requires time to grow and develop before engaging in an activity that requires so much trust. Think about how many assumptions a person has to make in order to feel comfortable climbing on a horse’s back. For instance, they may assume that this horse is trained to be ridden, that it has no negative past experiences with people that may impact this new relationship. They may make assumptions about that horse’s personality or their likes and dislikes. Horses are big animals and their self preservation instinct is very strong. If a person chooses to climb on a horse’s back before building trust and method of communication over time, they risk misunderstandings which can lead to injury. Focusing on riding also causes us to miss all that can be learned and experienced from the gradual process of building a relationship.

So, will I get to ride?

That depends on you. Are you willing to put in the time to get to know a horse, build trust, and learn how horses communicate? I allow students to ride only when it is the obvious next step in their path to building a relationship with a horse.

How long does it take?

This also depends on you. I’ve had students who ride after several weeks, and those for whom it takes a year or more to reach this stage. Some students don’t ride at all.

The bottom line is that if you enter into any relationship with a specific agenda, it will likely create a barrier to building intimacy. If you are attached to riding horses, there are many wonderful horseback riding lesson programs available in this area, and I would be happy to refer you to them.

Mindfulness

Horses have some innate characteristics that make them ideal learning partners.  Here is an overview of these characteristics and how they benefit students.

1. Horses are prey animals

In their natural environment, horses are prey animals (hunted by predators). Their job is to outsmart predators so they can escape and survive (other prey animals include: deer, rabbits, birds, mice).

In their natural environment, humans are predators (they hunt prey animals). Their job is to outsmart their prey so they can eat and survive (other predators include: dogs, lions, bears, cougar).

Horses are sensitive to congruence:

• • Congruence – When our inside feeling and intention match what we express on the outside.
  • Incongruence – When our inside feeling and intention do not match what we express on the outside.

Because they are so sensitive to congruence, a horse can sense a predator’s hidden intentions; their actual thoughts and feelings, instead of believing what they present on the outside. Haven’t you ever heard of a predator having hidden intentions?

Picture a cougar pretending it isn’t hungry and attempting to project an attitude of “I’m a peaceable guy today, just out for a stroll, maybe I don’t even notice you.” Then casually angling closer to stragglers and trying to seem disinterested, right up until he’s ready to pounce on his prey.

2. Horses are congruent

Unlike their predators, horses are almost always congruent. They cannot pretend. This means that what you see is what you get; when a horse looks angry, they are angry. When they look frightened, they are frightened.  Think of the people in your life who you consider the most trustworthy. Chances are that they are relatively congruent.

How does this benefit students?

Because their responses are authentic in most every situation, horses become trustworthy learning partners. You can always rely on a horse to tell you the truth about how they feel toward you, without judgment or any hidden agenda.

3. Horses are emotionally intuitive

Because predators have such a knack for incongruence, horses cannot rely on their eyes to tell them if a predator is hungry. Instead they trust their heightened intuition to tell them what the cougar is feeling. No matter what that cougar shows on the outside, the horse can read their hidden intentions and react accordingly.

4. Horses mirror our emotions:

Because horses are so sensitive the emotional field, they will embody the unexpressed emotions of those around them and reflect them back to us like a mirror. Humans do this as well: can you think of a time when you were having a good day and then you ran into a friend who was feeling angry or sad? After a few minutes talking to them, you may leave the conversation feeling a little down. More than likely, this is your intuition attempting to “mirror” their emotions.

How do mirroring and emotional intuition benefit students?

We utilize the horse’s intuition to help identify unconscious thoughts and emotions that are hidden under the surface. Horses know what you are feeling even if you don’t, and will reflect or act out that emotion with their behavior. This helps build a deep level of self awareness very quickly.

5. Horses communicate non-verbally

• Research has demonstrated that less than 10% of all human communication is verbal. That leaves more than 90% to be found in other non-verbal forms of communication.
• Horses provide a clear example of communication using body language, emotion, energy, and behavior; not words.

How does this benefit students?

• Horses aren’t the only ones who communicate non-verbally. Humans are communicating constantly, using the same subtleties that horses use to talk to one another.
• There are times when our behavior speaks louder than our words. For example: if we are afraid of confronting someone about how we feel we may avoid them. Odds are that that person knows that something is up because your behavior toward them has changed.
• Humans can sometimes be incongruent, saying one thing and doing something else. It is important to recognize how our behavior is communicating our actual feelings and needs, and learn how to use words to articulate them more clearly in our relationships.

6. Horses are mindful

Horse live entirely in the present, unburdened by guilt or grudges from the past or fear of the future. They simply respond authentically to the present moment.

How does this benefit students?

• Horses model the ability to let go of the past and move beyond any one interaction, experience, or trauma. Horses feel a wide range of feelings, the same as humans do, and model how to feel emotions fully and then allow them to fade. They feel stress or anxiety when necessary, but also know how to let go of those feelings when it is time to relax or play.

• Because they live entirely in the present, a horse will demonstrate how to be fully present with another person with curiosity, compassion, and playfulness.

7. Horses live in herds

Horses live in herds in which their survival depends on their ability to get along, exercise leadership, follow directions, and work together collaboratively. They are remarkable models for how to run a family, group, or community.

How does this benefit students?

• Observing horses navigate the relationship dynamics within a herd can provide a powerful model for effective communication, leadership, and collaboration.
• Family members can learn from each herd member about more effective ways to interact, set boundaries, and even play together.

Article by Ginger Kennell MA LMFT, copyright 2010

Equine Guided Counseling is:

Experiential….

Mental Health Counseling….

in which horses provide the means….

for human clients….

to receive feedback….

about their human relationships.

Now, let’s break it down…

Experiential…

• We all have different learning styles, or ways we process information so that we can understand it. Some are visual (learn by seeing), some are auditory (learn by hearing), and some are kinesthetic (learn by touching). Experiential learning incorporates all of your senses and creates a “whole body” memory of that experience.
• An experience challenges you to take your new level of understanding and apply it in the present moment; which is the only place change can take place.
• An experience interrupts business as usual, immediately replacing old patterns with new and more effective behaviors.

…Mental Health Counseling…

• Equine Guided Counseling utilizes all of the same clinical theories and practices that are common in traditional mental health counseling or marriage and family therapy.
• Like in any other counseling practice, Equine Guided Counseling provides a safe and confidential place for clients to explore their lives, their relationships, their emotions, and their personal goals with someone who can listen, provide support, ask important questions, or provide a new perspective. In Equine Guided Counseling, the horses play this role along with your counselor, providing valuable insight about your personal relationships.

…in which horses provide the means…

• Horses have a unique set of innate characteristics which make them ideal partners in this work, such as heightened intuition, mindfulness, and non verbal communication. A complete list of these characteristics will be explained fully in the “Why Horses” section below.
• Therapy horses require no special training. In fact, it is these innate characteristics in their most primal form that provide the most profound experiences for clients.
• Humans possess many of these same characteristics, though most of us have become disconnected from our natural gifts. Horses help to remind us of the talents we already possess which can help us develop close and satisfying relationships.

…for human clients to receive feedback…

• In order to learn about relationships…
  • Relationship – the process by which we take our best guess about ourselves, and our best guess about others and attempt to; communicate effectively, get our needs met, meet the needs of others, build trust, and increase intimacy.

…we need to ask for and receive feedback.

• Feedback – information about how my choice, action, statement, question, or behavior impacted someone else.
• This can be a frightening process since many of us would rather rely on our best guess than risk finding out that someone had a negative reaction to something we said or did.
• Horses provide a safe environment, free of judgment or criticism, where clients can practice being curious about others and learning to give and recieve feedback.

…about their human relationships.

• While horsemanship or riding lessons teach humans how to understand and communicate with horses…Equine Guided Counseling teaches humans how to use what they learn through their interactions with horses to better understand and communicate with other humans.

Here is a link  to a beautiful talk on courage and vulnerability by Dr. Brene Brown, who has spent the last several years studying how our culture is “losing our tolerance for vulnerability.”  She shares the difficult consequences of this shift as well as some ideas about how to begin moving toward healing, joy, and gratitude.

In my work with people and horses, I have observed that the emotional state in humans that horses are most drawn to and trusting of is vulnerability. When clients are honest with themselves about their fears, and risk letting go of control, the horses are also willing to risk connecting from a place of vulnerability.

I hope this talk validates your experience, and moves you to a new awareness of your capacity for joy.

Enjoy…

http://dominee.us/brene_ted

Ginger